Wondering the Reason

It’s been five days
since the accident
Five days since my life
suddenly changed

No more going where I
want to go
doing what I
want to do
Heck, even going to the bathroom
is an ordeal

At first, being cooped up
isn’t so bad
You get a free pass
to binge-watch
your favorite shows
You can stay in your PJ’s
all day long
No judgements

But then
the desire to do
normal things again
sets in
Things like walking around
taking a shower standing up
leaving the house
without it being a big thing
And suddenly
being confined to your bed
isn’t so glamorous anymore
It’s suffocating

At first, you expect
the pain
You know you have to
endure it
But you think
it’ll get better
each day
Only it doesn’t

Throbbing, pulsing
pain
Blue to green to yellow
yet it still hurts
Glancing down
not my foot
but a balloon
ready to pop

Too many pills
too much sleep
not enough sleep
can’t get comfortable
No longer
self-reliant

And then the thoughts
Playing the what if game
What if I hadn’t
stopped for that bottle of water?
What if I’d left
five minutes later?
Would it have been
the same?
Everything happens for a reason
Wondering the reason

Trying to stay positive
But today
it’s hard

 

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19 thoughts on “Wondering the Reason

  1. elsie

    Don’t let those what ifs take over, there is no going back. You will weather this storm and come out stronger in the end. There is nothing worse than being dependent on the kindness of others when you are used to being so independent. Hang in there and keep looking for the bright place in the dark days.

    Reply
  2. jee young

    I’ve been catching up your posts. Sorry to hear about your accident. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now. Definitely have friends around to keep your spirits up!! The whole slice of life writing community is rooting for your fast recovery! πŸ™‚

    Reply
  3. rosecappelli

    You will have good days and bad days, and then suddenly you will realize that the good days outnumber the bad days. Keep positive thoughts at the forefront. See, you have already made lemonade out of the lemons by creating a wonderful poem.

    Reply
  4. sodamountainsandy

    Two thoughts:
    1. Physically limiting injuries and pain really, really suck. Every little daily activity, so (prior accident) taken for granted, is now just exhaustingly hard.

    2. Some days are really long and it gets old trying to stay positive, which brings me to thought #2, which I wish I was smart enough to think up: “It matters if you just don’t give up.” (Stephen Hawking)

    Hang in there.
    With sincere wishes for fast healing to a wonderful, strong woman, Love, Lauren’s mom

    Reply
    1. aggiekesler Post author

      Thank you for your sweet words! I see where Lauren gets her caring heart! Today was better. I went to school half a day. It was great to see the kiddos! Lincoln kept playing tricks on me. Haha πŸ˜‚ He’d stand behind my wheelchair and tap me on the shoulder and when I’d turn around I couldn’t see him. He thought it was the best game ever! He’s a hoot! πŸ˜„

      Reply
  5. Frances A Mccrackin

    I’ve been thinking about you! Sorry but not surprised to learn there are crummy days to get through after your accident. Be good to yourself, and patient.
    And- you don’t have to answer, but what school do you teach in, in Thailand? Are you in BKK? I ask because my grandson is in nursery school in BKK and wouldn’t it be a hoot if you were there?

    Reply
    1. aggiekesler Post author

      Thanks for thinking of me!! ❀️️ I’m working on the patience thing.
      I’m at Ruamrudee International School. Where’s your little guy?

      Reply
  6. Glenda Funk

    Remember, you can’t prove a hypothetical, and “what if” is that. Things happen because people make choices; sometimes there is no reason, no cosmic interference. Second guessing will sap your energy, but I know we all do this.

    Concentrate on your recovery, moving forward, focusing on your goals, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. Sending love and compassion to you. Be good and kind to yourself.

    Reply
  7. karpenglish

    You’ve made a beautiful poem out of what is a frustrating, often demoralizing, and very painful experience. Having spent so much time on crutches (including one particularly bleak 18 month stretch that included three trips to the emergency room, 2 sets of blood clots, and an orthopedic surgeon and a physical therapist who both said “It’s not actually possible to injure yourself in this way.”), I really empathize with your situation. I hope you start healing and moving around better very soon.

    Reply
    1. aggiekesler Post author

      Thank you. I’m getting better, but that day, in particular, was not a goo day. Sorry to hear about your troubles in the past. Hope those days are behind you!!

      Reply

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