Tag Archives: sad

Mourning the end

I’m not really sure how to feel right now. I found out today that our school closure would be extended, which if I’m being honest, is what I wanted. I was terrified to go back to school next Monday, and quite frankly, I was prepared to refuse to go should the school decide to open. But when I envisioned the school closure extending, I was thinking we’d push it back another month or so, just until it was safe to return. I wasn’t prepared to hear that we would most likely close for the remainder of the school year.

I made the decision a couple of days ago that I would stay in Indonesia, rather than relocate to Texas right now, figuring that it’s safer for me to remain in quarantine here instead of traveling through several airports and spending many hours on an airplane. I am at peace with that decision. While I’m comfortable with the routine of virtual school, I’m not happy about doing it for two and a half more months. However, the realness of what’s happening is starting to sink in.

I won’t get to say goodbye to my students in person. I won’t get to have a going away party before I move away for good. I won’t get to see our 2020 graduates walk the stage. I won’t get to celebrate with my students after their PYP Exhibition (and I now have to figure out how to do a completely virtual Exhibition). I won’t get to hug my colleagues and say a proper goodbye. I won’t get to say thank you and goodbye in person to the parents who have been so supportive of me over the past three years. I won’t get to laugh with students out on the playground again. I won’t get to hand out another Learner Profile of the Month award. I won’t get to see our students perform at the Primary Concert or Swimming Carnival. I won’t get to spend time with my friends before they’re gone (many have already left or will leave soon). I won’t get to have our pizza, movie, and bonfire night at school with my students (and I promised them we would do this). I don’t get to celebrate my Year 6 students’ transition into Secondary.

I won’t get closure. I’ll just work until June 12th online and then leave. That’s it. This chapter of my life will end abruptly, and then it’ll be gone. I don’t think I’m okay with this.

Source: Giphy

Heavy Heart #sol16 16 of 31

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Tonight, my heart is heavy. I’ve been under a lot of stress at work, and I worry that I won’t get it all done. I usually function well under pressure, needing that deadline and end-date to push me to get it done, but I’m genuinely worried that it won’t get done. I only have tomorrow left to finish, and then I have to come home and pack for my trip, as I leave at 4:00am on Friday for Senegal. There’s not enough time to get it all done. I feel like the hourglass is draining too quickly, and try as I might to hold the sand back, it keeps rushing out of that too-big hole, taunting me with it’s speed. I hope I can pull out a miracle tomorrow, but it’s not looking good.

And then there’s the whole campaign thing going on in the states that’s got me down. Living abroad, I don’t see a lot of the news and miss the everyday things that happen, which I can honestly say I appreciate, but this week my newsfeed has been inundated with articles and videos about Trump. I’ve seen the one with all of the hateful things he’s said about women, and the post about the children who are being ostracized by their peers based on their skin color, saying that when Trump is president, they’ll all be sent back home. And then there’s the one about how he’s inciting hate and violence by his words at his rallies, and the increase of violence among people who are attending these rallies. The whole thing makes me sickened and saddened. I am proud to be an American, and I gladly share where I come from, but to think that someone like this, who has so much hatred toward others, could become our president is frightening. I am not one to post anything political, pretty much ever, but today my heart is heavy, and I didn’t know what to do except write about it.